no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
