I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.