Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
