Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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