Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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