You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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