i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
