Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
