they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
