I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
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Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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