Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
