Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
tell me about the eggs
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
