What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
