I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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