Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
