I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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