the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
