his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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