I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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