We won't sleep together?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Success! We fucked roommates!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
