You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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