Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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