If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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