i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
