I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
