I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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