Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Randomize
