He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
