Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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