well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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