He disabled his match.com account in front of me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
