Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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