I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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