but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
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We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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