I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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