totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The Olympian is in my bed
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
