Jerry, you need to find god
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
