i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Randomize
