I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
