the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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