based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
