Swine flu. Run for my life!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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