i already hear my dad disowning me
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
how drunk are you?
Several
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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