a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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