I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
