Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
