I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
