dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
