i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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