FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
