Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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