you guys were way drunker than both of me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
