you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
