Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
