I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
