A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Okay so I just had a really great idea
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.