I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
time to smoke my breakfast
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that